We’re back in from the cold, barren wilderness that is the international break. Club football is back. Let’s all take a moment to remember this happy time – and what better way than with the European Player Power Rankings? With SPECIAL GUEST HOST…me.
There have been some fantastic performers this week, so we’ve given them the respect they deserve and used Archer quotes to sum up just how good they were. You know the format. Dig
15. Federico Valverde (Down 5)
“I’ve waited my entire life to say this exact phrase: ‘I’m commandeering this airboat!’”
It’s not often that Valverde will earn his place in any power rankings, but he has been here twice in a row now. After going 34 senior appearances without scoring, Valverde has two in two games. Enjoy the success.
14. Moussa Dembélé (New Entry)
“For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
Lyon have been sinning in Ligue 1 this year, lost in mid-table obscurity, but Dembélé has four goals in his last four games, so it’s not all bad!
13. Son Heung-min (New Entry)
“Uh, hello, airplanes? It’s blimps. You win. Bye.”
Mauricio Pochettino is a blimp and José Mourinho is an airplane. Obviously.
A goal and an assist was a great way for Son to start life under his new boss. If he keeps performing like that, he might not get pushed back to left-back after all.
Luka Modrić (New Entry)
“I’m not saying I invented the turtleneck. But I was the first person to realise its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck! The…tactleneck!”
11. Emil Forsberg (New Entry)
Assists are to Emil Forsberg as spaghetti and meatballs are to Archer. He wants to do more, but it always comes back to the assists.
10. Timo Werner (Down 5)
“If I worried about a fraction of the stuff I should be worried about, I would never get anything done.”
Transfer rumours don’t phase Werner, who took his tally to six goals and four assists in his last three games with his latest strike against Köln. All the man wants is goals.
9. Quincy Promes (New Entry)
Promes’ return to the Netherlands has been one long party, and his two goals against Heracles will keep the celebrations rumbling on for a little while longer.
8. Serge Gnabry (New Entry)
“Big whoop. I’m spooning a Barrett .50-cal. I could kill a building.”
Is there anything Gnabry can’t do?
The 24-year-old is on a real tear recently and added another goal and an assist to his tally against Düsseldorf. His perfect league start under Hans-Dieter Flick continues.
7. Karim Benzema (Up 6)
“Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse. Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?”
Benzema has plenty of doubters, but he will love watching them weep as he continues to score goals at an elite rate.
One goal and an assist against Sociedad will do just nicely.
6. Lionel Messi (Down 2)
“All moms gave birth to a child. Except mine. She gave birth to a legend.”
5. Jamie Vardy (Up 3)
“Benefits of dating me: You will be dating me.”
Every manager in the Premier League would want to select Vardy these days. One goal. One assist. Job done.
4. Gonzalo Higuaín (New Entry)
“Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.”
Juventus got themselves into a real mess against Atalanta, but Higuaín was there to tidy things up. Two late goals and one incredibly late assist saw his side pick up a 3-1 win, ensuring their unbeaten start to the season continues.
3. Hakim Ziyech (Up 4)
“I can’t hear you over the deafening sound of my own awesomeness.”
If you’ve read anything about football in the last 18 months, you’ll know that Ziyech is really, really good.
Another two assists against Heracles took his tally for the season to 17 already, so he’s on track to end this season with about 100 to his name.
2. Robert Lewandowski (Down 1)
“I’m scared if I stop drinking all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me.”
If you’re not going to score in 17 consecutive games, then why bother even turning up? Don’t waste my time with this pathetic ‘I can score in 16 matches in a row’ stuff.
1. Ciro Immobile (Up 1)
“Something, something, danger zone! I know. I’m not even trying anymore.”
Lewandowski’s streak may be dead, but Immobile’s run of eight league games in a row is very much alive.
The man scores goals, and it all looks so easy for him.
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