The festive season is right around the corner. For British audiences, that means Gavin & Stacey is back!
Oh, yeah, some football happened this week as well. Well, let’s combine the two and rank the best performers in Europe. Sound good?
15. Philippe Coutinho (Re-Entry)
“Now, have you been online yet today? Because there’s a cracking new website called ‘The You-Tube’, and you can watch all manner of things on there – some of it quite cheeky.”
Philippe Coutinho will get himself on the You-Tube after his stunning showing for Bayern Munich in their 6-1 win over Werder Bremen.
The Brazilian bagged three goals and two assists in one blistering afternoon. That talent is still in there somewhere.
14. Luis Alberto (New Entry)
“Do you want an omelette?”
One of the most generous players around this season, Luis Alberto has been racking up assists with frightening ease. He has managed 13 this season and added his third goal of the campaign against Cagliari.
Nine goal contributions in his last seven games tells you everything you need to know about the Spaniard’s form.
13. Cristiano Ronaldo (Re-Entry)
“I’ve just been updating the MySpace, I’ve got 17 friends now, I’m snowed under!”
Maurizio Sarri probably isn’t Cristiano Ronaldo’s MySpace friend these days, but that hasn’t stopped the Juventus forward from racking up the goals.
A double against Udinese took his tally to four goals in his last three games. I wonder if Sarri is going to substitute him again.
12. Neymar (Re-Entry)
“Don’t act a fool now, now. I always act a fool oww, oww. Ain’t nothing new now, now.
Football’s bad boy, Neymar can’t help but find his way into the headlines. Fortunately, this week, he’s there because of his on-the-field antics.
Neymar bagged one goal and two assists in PSG’s win over Saint-Étienne. That’s three goals and three assists in his last three games. Form.
11. Pizzi (New Entry)
“Make friends, make friends, never never break friends, and if you do I’ll flush you down the loo and that will be the end of you.”
Pizzi is on an absolute tear this season. Another two goals an an assist this weekend takes his tallies for the season to 18 and ten.
The Benfica man has managed an assist in five consecutive games, and he is showing no signs of slowing down.
10. Hakim Ziyech (Down 5)
“Don’t get me wrong, but to be honest, at the end of the day, when all’s said and done… do you know what I mean?”
Anyone know what’s going on with Hakim Ziyech?
The Ajax winger has hit 20 assists and then seemingly decided that that’ll do him. Two poor performances saw the Eredivisie side lose twice in a row against title rivals, which is not what the world has come to expect from Ziyech.
9. Ciro Immobile (Down 5)
“It’s the last thing you expect to find when you come to work in the morning.”
It’s all gone a bit quiet on the Ciro Immobile front.
Having topped the 90min Power Rankings after a run of 13 goals in nine games, Immobile has drawn a blank in his last two matches.
Who saw this coming?
8. Sadio Mané (Up 6)
“Oh, Stace, will you do my back? The razor’s by the sink.”
Sadio Mané’s blistering form continued against Watford as the Liverpool man finished with another assist.
He probably wouldn’t shave your back, but there’s no harm in asking.
7. Karim Benzema (Up 6)
“Most people would turn you away. I don’t listen to a word they say.”
Super Karim Benzema came to save the day for Real Madrid against Valencia, netting a late, late equaliser after *checks notes*…a Thibaut Courtois header?
The Frenchman isn’t everyone’s favourite striker, but he scores goals. What more can you ask for?
6. Robert Lewandowski (Up 4)
“No, not drunk drunk, but I have had some wines.”
After a streak of three games without a goal, the wine has started flowing for Robert Lewandowski once more.
Two goals at the weekend takes his tally to 29 goals in 23 games. Decent.
Carlos Vinícius (Up 3)
“I’ll have a pint. Of wine.”
Carlos Vinícius is not messing about this season. He managed another goal in Benfica’s latest win, so he now has ten goals from just five league starts.
If you don’t know his name just yet, you better start taking notes.
4. Jadon Sancho (Up 7)
“It’s all the drama, Mick. I love it!”
The first player to reach double figures in both goals and assists in Europe’s top five leagues, Jadon Sancho has had a pretty eventful season.
When he’s not turning up to training late or getting blasted by his manager for being rubbish, Sancho can be find terrifying Bundesliga wingers on a regular basis these days.
3. Jamie Vardy (Down 1)
“Chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna, prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bag of chips, keema naan and nine poppadoms.”
There was no celebratory takeaway for Jamie Vardy, whose scoring streak came to an unfortunate end this weekend.
Tim Krul ended up being credited with an own goal instead, and Leicester didn’t even win the match. A bad day all round.
2. Timo Werner (Up 1)
“Islands in the stream. That is what we are. No one in between. How can we be wrong?”
RB Leipzig fans love Timo Werner and his goalscoring exploits, and he looks to have endeared himself to pretty much every fan around Europe as well.
The German managed another goal this weekend. That’s six games in a row, in which he has bagged ten goals.
How much is that release clause?
1. Lionel Messi (-)
“I was so excited last night, I didn’t get to sleep until half past ten!”
Lionel Messi’s place atop these standings is under real threat, but the Argentine managed another assist at the weekend to keep himself ahead. Just.
The Ballon d’Or winner still looks like the most dangerous man in football but, to paraphrase Jon Snow, Werner is coming.
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