Following a week in which:
– Sheffield United SHOCKED Arsenal.
– Paulo Dybala STUNNED the Allianz Stadium.
– Marc-Andre Ter Stegen SAVED, well, everything…including Ernesto Valverde’s job.
We rank the f**king 15 f**king best teams in the whole of f**king Europe using quotes from the f**king expletive heavy stone-cold f**king classic TV show the Thick of f**king It.
15) Granada (New Entry)
“Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?”
The 15th best team in Europe? Roberto Soldado career renaissance? La Liga title contenders?
14) SBV Vitesse (Re-Entry)
“My primary focus is social mobility, that’s very much my Big Thing.”
There are two social classes in the Eredivisie:
1. The oligarchy (Ajax and PSV Eindhoven).
2. The peasants (every other team).
Since the dawn of time,
13) Sheffield United (Re-Entry)
“Well it was a bit of a shock for us. In a good way. Like twins or a tax rebate.”
At the start of the Premier League season, nine out of 12 of 90min’s best and brightest predicted that Sheffield United would finish the 2019/20 campaign firmly rooted to the foot of the table.
So, as you can imagine, it was a bit of a shock for us all to find out that Sheffield United are actually pretty brilliant.
In a good way – of course.
The Blades have beaten Arsenal, beaten Everton, drawn with Chelsea and pushed Liverpool right to the wire so far this season, and look set to, at the very least, prove that us 90min lot know absolutely f**k all.
12) Celtic (New Entry)
11) RB Leipzig (Re-Entry)
“Well I’m sorry to burst into your little f**king boutique, but you’ve got a fight on your hands. That’s all I’m saying.”
Love them or hate them, one can’t deny that RB Leipzig mean business this season.
I mean, just look at that outfit Julian Nagelsmann is wearing. He’s the suavest manager since Tim Sherwood.
Marcel Sabitzer hits an absolute BEAUTY on the half-volley!
It’s doesn’t get more top corner than that!
Wait for that reverse angle 襤 pic.twitter.com/UnpPK5zhVt
— Football on BT Sport (@btsportfootball) October 23, 2019
10) Bayern Munich (Down 3)
“He’s a wee bit disappointed.”
Look, Bayern, we’re not upset, we’re just disappointed.
It’s just that when you beat Tottenham Hotspur 7-2, we were fairly excited by the prospect of FC Hollywood being the best team in Europe once again.
Bayern aren’t the best team in Europe, Tottenham are just terrible.
9) SSC Napoli (Re-Entry)
“What? Me – What, I’m in it?”
“You look very very pasty and about nine, so..”
“Am I a winner or a loser?”
Are SSC Napoli winners of losers?
A simple question that no one really knows the answer to.
Sure, they win a lot of games – like the one this past week against RB Salzburg – but they’ve very little silverware to show for it. And with Juventus and Inter improving, it’s hard to see that changing anytime soon.
Yes, I’m a downer.
Famalicão (Up 3)
HBO, hit me up.
7) Barcelona (Down 4)
“Have you got to the bit where he calls you out of your depth?”
After Slavia Prague had drawn level with Barcelona, Lionel Messi stood, arms on his hips, and glared across the field to the rather hapless Ernesto Valverde. Although his back was to the camera, our guess is that Messi was shouting “You’re out of your depth!” at Valverde.
And, to be fair, he’s probably right.
6) Manchester City (Up 4)
“I won’t scare you, okay, I’ll just explain to you what I’m gonna f**king do to you. I’m gonna take your bollocks, I’m gonna f**king rip them off, I’m gonna f**king paint eyeballs on them. And then stitch them onto a f**king sock and use that as a mouthpiece.”
Manchester City are ruthless.
On Wednesday night they beat Atalanta 5-1.
Or, in other words, on Wednesday night they took Atalanta’s bollocks, ripped them off, painted eyeballs on them and then stitched them onto a sock and used them as a mouthpiece.
5) Inter (Up 9)
4) Chelsea (Up 2)
3) Paris Saint-Germain (Up 2)
“How dare you. How dare you! Don’t you ever, ever call me a bully. I’m so much worse than that.”
Paris Saint-Germain’s last five games:
Won – 5
Drew – 0
Lost – 0
Goals Scored – 15
Goals Conceded – 1
Goal Difference – +14
PSG are so much better than we expected them to be.
2) Liverpool (-)
1) Juventus (-)
“We are gonna take you down to Funky Town! Funky Town centre, here you come! CHOO F**KING CHOO!”
CHOO F**KING CHOO!!!!!!!
All aboard the Maurizio Sarri bandwagon!
Strap yourselves in as Sarri guides Juventus to their first ever treble while playing the best football in Europe.
CHOO F**KING CHOO!!!!!!