Following a week in which:
– Inter BOTTLED the UEFA Champions League.
– 90min had their Christmas party.
– Man City BOTTLED the Manchester derby.
– 90min drank a lot.
– Jose Mourinho BOTTLED the game against Bayern by not playing the best player in the world (Troy Parrott); the sole reason they’ve been excluded from this week’s rankings.
– 90min are hungover.
We rank the 15 best teams in Europe using the nominees for ‘Best Television Series – Drama’ Golden Globe award.
15. Manchester City (Down 4)
“If I was to give Tom a letter grade, I’d give him a B+ for Bad plus Terrible.”
The Cityzens slumped to a pretty embarrassing defeat to arch rivals Manchester United last weekend because their defence is shockingly bad.
So bad in fact, that if I was to give Manchester City’s defence a letter grade, I’d give them a B+ for Bad plus Terrible.
14. Borussia Dortmund (Re-Entry)
“The weakest strong man at the circus.”
So Borussia Dortmund are right slap bang in the middle of a Bundesliga title race and in the last 16 of the UEFA Champions League.
Sounds like they’ve been lights out this season, right?
Well, they really haven’t. Rather, they’ve looked average at their best, and diabolically atrocious at their worst.
13. Juventus (Down 6)
“Too much knowledge can be a dangerous thing.”
Do Juventus have too many good players?
It sounds ridiculous, but there are in fact so many good players in the squad that it is quite literally impossible to get them all into one starting XI.
Play Cristiano Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuain – sacrifice Paulo Dybala.
Play Aaron Ramsey – sacrifice Federico Bernardeschi.
Play Matthijs de Ligt – sacrifice Merih Demiral.
12. Wolves (Up 1)
“It looks like there might be a slight uptick in ticket sales.”
– 18 games unbeaten? Check.
– A win over Manchester City? Check.
– A forward whose scored five goals in his last three games? Check.
– Ruben Neves and Joao Moutinho in midfield? Check.
It looks like there might be a slight uptick in ticket sales at Molineux.
Wolves. Are. Box. Office.
11. Benfica (Up 1)
“You’re like, so nice.”
“This is Monterey. We pound people with nice.”
Big Little Lies
Benfica’s last 10 Primeira Liga games:
Goals Scored: 26.
Goals Conceded: 3.
Goal Difference: +23.
Benfica pound other Portuguese teams to death.
10. Manchester United (Up 5)
“You know what, I think America is tired of Twitter fighting.”
The Morning Show
You know what, I think Manchester United are tired of Twitter fighting. They’re tired of fans being on their backs. They’re tired of Mark Goldbridge’s Alan Partridge shtick. They’re tired of being slagged off.
So to quieten the haters, they’ve decided to be good again.
9. Paris Saint-Germain (Re-Entry)
“Letting yourself into my apartment and drinking from a ting cup doesn’t make you intimidating, by the way. It’s just rude.”
8. Borussia Monchengladbach (Re-Entry)
“You never let a bully win. Do you hear me? You have to speak up, Amabella. You have to be a big girl and use your voice in this world. That’s why they call me a bulldog because I had to learn how to fight back with a bully.”
Big Little Lies
There’s one rule in German football:
You never let Bayern Munich win. Do you hear me? You have to beat them. You have to fend off the Robert Lewandowski’s of this world and come out swinging, attacking their leaky defence at the most opportune moments.
Borussia Monchengladbach did that. They fought back and now they’re top of the Bundesliga.
7. Atalanta (Re-Entry)
“The world’s tallest dwarf.”
Atalanta will earn around
6. Real Madrid (Up 2)
“Hey, this is where the party is at. Look at us, all the cool and beautiful people in one spot.”
Hey, Real Madrid are really good again. They have Karim Benzema banging in the goals. They have Fede Valverde running the midfield. They have Toni Kroos creating more chances than anyone else in the UEFA Champions League group stages for the second consecutive season.
Nice one lads.
5. Lazio (Up 1)
“Who would spend that much money on that man? He’s so excited about his brown sauce, it makes me sick.”
Look Claudio Lotito, let’s face it no one is going spend
BUT, that is a blessing because let’s face it, you have absolutely no chance of signing anyone that is remotely capable of replacing him. He’s lights out.
4. RB Leipzig (Down 1)
“Literally everything I’ve been aiming for.”
The best team in Germany, in the Champions League round of 16 for the first time, with the best German forward on the books and the most promising manager in Europe at the helm.
This is literally everything RB Leipzig have been aiming for.
3. Barcelona (Up 2)
“Keep one eye on the future. The distant future.”
Ansu Fati is one for the future.
For now, he’s just scoring matchwinning goals at San Siro in the UEFA Champions League. No biggie.
2. Leicester City (Up 2)
“Ok. Thanks for giving us your Saturday. It turns out people are still murderous bastards on a Sunday.”
Ok, so, it turns out Leicester City are still murderous bastards on Sundays. They ripped Everton limb from limb two Sunday’s ago, and this past Sunday they killed Aston Villa at Villa Park.
They’re the real deal.
1. Liverpool (-)
“In an increasingly complex world, we all need certainty.”
While the rest of the Definitive European Power Rankings changes week in, week out. While the quotes and tv shows are different every week. And while the images and intro are slightly different every week, there is but one certainty:
Liverpool will be top.
They’ll have that ‘(-)’ by their name.
And they will be lauded in the paragraph below.
Liverpool are the best team in Europe. That’s a fact.