Manchester United are good and Tottenham are not good. That’s pretty much all you need to know about the last week.
Away from those two contrasting fortunes, there has been plenty of football to digest, and that means it’s Player Power Ranking time.
This week, it’s time for a helping hand from Russian Doll.
“It’s my bad attitude that keeps me young.”
Is Salah selfish? Graeme Souness seems to think so.
If he keeps on scoring goal after goal after goal, Liverpool fans really won’t care.
“You are serial-killer calm.”
If Havertz has played his final game for Bayer Leverkusen, bagging a penalty against Bayern Munich in the last minute of the cup final isn’t the worst way to go.
Just a shame they didn’t win, but y’know, it’s Bayern.
“Go with purpose. Triggers people’s curiosity.”
Dybala is playing with purpose these days.
He has found the back of the net in each of his last five appearances, but took a day off in the 4-2 loss to AC Milan because of a little suspension.
“The universe is trying to f**k with me. And I refuse to engage.”
Aubameyang was definitely leaving Arsenal a few months ago. They were rubbish.
Aubameyang might not be leaving Arsenal now. They’re much less rubbish.
And while that’s all going on, he continues to score goals.
“Routine is an incredible thing. We become what we repeatedly do.”
18 assists. Two more to tie Thierry Henry’s single-season record. Just keep on going.
“Sometimes Hail Marys are the best Marys we’ve got.”
Manchester United went into January looking for literally anything positive.
They didn’t care that Sporting CP had mugged them off all summer. They stood firm and did all they could to sign Fernandes, and just look at United now.
“Nothing in this world is easy, except pissing in the shower.”
He might have made scoring look easy this season, but Lukaku came back down to earth this week.
His goal against Bologna wasn’t enough to help Inter avoid defeat, and then he drew a blank against Verona.
“Look, I got bigger fish to fry, okay? I got to figure out how to get down the stairs.”
Having spent all season looking like one of the scariest strikers in the entire world, Immobile decided to give himself a little break.
A suspension in a 3-0 loss to Milan was followed by a goalless outing in a surprise 2-1 loss to Lecce.
It’s like Atalanta are the only side who actually want to stop Juventus.
“Thank you for changing my life. Lives are hard to change.”
Unless you have a bazillion posters of Greenwood in your bedroom now, you’re not a real United fan.
“Life is like a box of timelines, you feel me?”
We’re currently living in a timeline in which Sørloth is actually good. Mad ting.
He took his tally for the season to 29 in all competitions with a goal against Galatasaray. Parent club Crystal Palace have managed 30 in the league – if only Chelsea could have stopped them from scoring twice, this would have been so much funnier.
“You’re supposed to ask people about their kids. Okay? It’s polite. It gives everybody a moment to pretend there’s gonna be a future.”
The post-Eden Hazard future looked like it could be pretty gloomy for Chelsea, but Pulisic has made all those fears go away.
“I feel like f**king Rocky right now.”
This is the Martial United fans want to see.
He has really got going since Fernandes’ arrival, and he doesn’t look like he can be stopped.
“Fun is for suckers. Staring down the barrel of my own mortality always beats fun.”
Remember when Messi used to have fun playing football? Nowadays, he spends all his time sparing Barcelona’s blushes.
He’s now contributed to 23 of Barça’s last 28 La Liga goals, and even that hasn’t been enough to stop Real Madrid from pulling away.
“You can eat anything, take anything, do anything. It’s impossible to destroy you. You will never die.”
The freak of nature that is Ronaldo managed two more goals and another assist over this past week.
He even scored his first free kick since before the dawn of time! Huzzah!
“Hey, bartendress! Hello. Uh, more drunk please.”
It’s job done for Lewandowski. Two goals in the cup final was the perfect end to a perfect year. Time to party.
He ended the season with 51 goals in just 43 games. Thems is Ballon d’Or numbers, if you ask me.
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