Following a week in which:
Manchester City scored eight goals.
[Aside] Against f**king Watford.
Robert Lewandowski scored two goals.
[Aside] Could’ve scored f**king three.
James Maddison scored the winner as Leicester City beat Tottenham Hotspur.
[Aside] Also spent f**king £6,000 on a space bag.
We, using quotes the fourth wall breaking, Emmy winning, stone-cold classic that is Fleabag (season two), rank the best teams in Europe Father.
15) Angers (New Entry)
“What? Is he okay?”
It turns out that Angers aren’t just ok, they’re fairly decent.
Les Scoïstes (aesthetically lovely nickname that), are so fairly decent in fact, that they’re currently sitting second in Ligue 1 after winning five of their seven league games.
Considering they only won 10 games all last season, I’d say that that is something of an improvement Father.
14) Sheffield United (Re-Entry)
“What was THAT!?”
Sheffield United – noted subsidiary of the Irish national team – are also, shockingly, fairly decent.
Led by an Irish contingent so Irish that they have Irish passports (which maybe isn’t saying much, because anyone, dead or alive, can get those things), the Blades are proving to the rest of the Premier League that they aren’t just going to make up the numbers this season.
All while eating clover leafs, drinking Guinness and having the craic Father (I can write these things because I’m Irish).
13) Atalanta (Re-Entry)
“No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong. And I know that’s why people want people like you in their lives. Because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do, and what they’ll get out of the end of it. Even though I don’t believe your bullsh*t, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I’m still scared! Why am I still scared?! So just tell me what to do. Just f**king tell me what to do, Father!”
Gian Piero Gasperini is the exact type of manager that you want at your club:
A manager that tells you what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about.
And judging by the fact that Atalanta are in the UEFA Champions League for the first time ever and sitting pretty in third place in Serie A, I reckon he’s telling his players all the right things Father.
Famalicão (New Entry)
“Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?”
I’d bet my left foot that you’d never heard of
11) Borussia Dortmund (Down 5)
“You want to know what the bassoon is? It’s a cry for help!”
You want to know what scoring an 88th minute own goal to cost your side two points is?
It’s a cry for help Father!
10) Leicester City (Re-Entry)
“You’ll always be fine. You’ll always be interesting.”
It’s the word that perfectly defines big Brendy baps’ Leicester City side.
On their day, they’re capable of beating any team in the Premier League.
Off their day, they’re capable of losing to any team in the Premier League.
That makes the Foxes interesting Father.
9) Real Sociedad (New Entry)
“I think what they mean is when you find somebody that you love it feels like hope.”
Martin Ødegaard has provided Real Sociedad with something they haven’t had for quite some time:
Hope that an orgastic future is on the horizon.
Hope that UEFA Champions League football is on the horizon.
Hope that a title cha…well, maybe not that…
Nevertheless though, the Real Madrid loanee is making believers out of every single one of
8) Paris Saint-Germain (Down 6)
“I’m not a bad guy, I just have a bad personality.”
Neymar probably isn’t a bad guy, but this summer he really did go out of his way to make PSG fans think he, AT LEAST, had a bad personality.
PSG fans don’t like him, and they’ll continue to not like him while they lose to teams like Stade Reims Father.
7) Juventus (Up 1)
“It is horrendous, but then it’s magnificent.”
Well, it’s safe to say that Maurizio Sarri hasn’t changed too much at Juventus yet. La Vecchia Signora have continued to be the football equivalent of paint drying, and – exactly like last season – they are being bailed out by moments of magnificent magic.
On Tuesday night that moment of magnificent magic came courtesy of Miralem Pjanic Father.
6) Real Madrid (Re-Entry)
“You just make me feel like I’ve failed.”
Vinicius Junior is 19 years old.
Rodrygo is 18 years old.
Vinicius Junior was born in 2000.
Rodrygo was born in 2001.
They both scored for Real Madrid this week; that’s depressing Father.
5) Inter (Up 4)
“Don’t make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.”
Dear Inter fans,
Hope you are well. I have become increasingly concerned by your ever increasing optimism regarding your club’s Scudetti credentials. While the start of the current season has been exceptional, truly exceptional, it is worth noting that there have been a myriad of false dawns for I Nerazzurri in the recent past. I implore you to remember the Frank de Boer, Andrea Stramaccioni and Luciano Spalletti years, and quell said expectations slightly.
4) RB Leipzig (-)
“Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn’t make you a grown-up.”
Being a football manager doesn’t make a grown-up.
However, accumulating 13 from a possible 15 points and sitting atop of the Bundesliga after five games f**king does.
Julian Nagelsmann is a grown-up Father.
3) Manchester City (Up 7)
2) Liverpool (Up 3)
“Positive energy takes work. In the last six months, I’ve excelled. I take all the negative emotions and just bottle them and bury them and they never come out. I’ve basically never been better.”
There’s been quite a few golden eras at the Liverpool Football Club.
The mid-1960s were pretty good.
So were the late 1970s.
And so were the 1980s.
But, at this current moment in time, Liverpool Football Club could be in the midst of what will be regarded as the most golden of golden eras at Anfield.
They’ve excelled, and basically never been better Father.
1) Bayern Munich (-)
“The only person I’d run through the airport for is you.”
On Saturday, Robert Lewandowski declared his love for Philippe Coutinho by, while being on a hat trick, Lewa gifted his new bae with the opportunity to score his maiden Bayern goal from the spot.
He did, and the two duly embraced afterward.
It was a beautiful moment.
When Robert met Philippe – it’s a blockbuster just waiting to happen Father.