“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime you find you get what you need.”
So it’s now official: Maurizio Sarri is the new Juventus manager. And, well, some Juve fans are pretty upset:
“Can we make a petition against this stupid decision by Andrea [Agnelli] and [Fabio] Paratici…f**k!!!!”
“Real Madrid have already spent €250m and we’re haggling over €5m for a chain smoker to manage us next season with no stripes on our kit, I could cry.”
“Think it’s a stepdown to be honest. You fire the man who won you five scudetti in a row – and then you hire a low-budget Guardiola, who destroys more than build.
See, pretty upset.
And they’re upset because Juventus fans wanted a manager who has UEFA Champions League winning pedigree, sets up his teams to play attractive football, and whose known first name is short for Josep.
Yes, Juventus fans wanted Pep Guardiola.
These fans are certainly few and far between, but they do exist. Swear.
A man who eats cigarettes by the carton is the right man to take over from Massimiliano Allegri at the Allianz Stadium.
The small pocket of
They know that Maurizio Sarri isn’t the man who won a domestic treble last season.
They know that Maurizio Sarri isn’t the man who won the UEFA Champions League twice at Barcelona.
They know that Maurizio Sarri hasn’t changed football.
But they also are acutely aware that all of the above doesn’t mean Maurizio Sarri can’t be the man to change Juventus.
For the appointment of Maurizio Sarri does address the biggest stigma attached to La Vecchia Signora over the past 12 months: the fact that, despite the one millionth consecutive Scudetti, they have been painfully boring to watch.
Bar the obvious risks of second-hand smoke that Sarri will bring to the Allianz Stadium, Juventus fans’ health will not be at risk while watching their favourite football club. You probably won’t look like you have a mild form of jaundice.
The only way to make it through a Juventus game during the 2018/19 Serie A season was to pump ProPlus into your body via intravenous therapy.
“But they didn’t win the league?! He’s never won the league!”
Yes, yes, yes, we all know that Maurizio Sarri was unable to win the Serie A title at SSC Napoli, but in Juve’s near decade of dominance, he’s the only non-Juventus manager to even come close to winning it.
If not for a silly Kalidou Koulibaly red card, a DREADFUL Lorenzo Insigne miss against Inter at San Siro (the attempted lob…that he f**cked up), and Leonardo Bonucci’s big toe, Sarri would’ve won Serie A. He would’ve done something that only the greatest footballer of all time – Diego Maradona – managed to do previously: bring a Scudetto to Naples.
This should excite Juve fans.
Trust me, it will soon.
It will as soon as a ten-pass move is finished by a left footed curling effort from the edge of the box by Paulo Dybala (which will probably happen during the first game of the season).
That’s the precise moment in which Juventini will be sold on Sarri-ball.
The precise moment in which Juventini will realise that, with Maurizio Sarri at the helm and ‘Sarri-ball’ in full flow, their beloved La Vecchia Signora’s 38th Scudetto will be their most beautiful yet.
If you know, you know